Monday, April 17, 2017


I honestly can't believe how fast time is flying. I really thought I had checked in a week or two ago but it has almost been a month. I am going to apologize for the thoughts loosely strung together in this post. I have had a lot swirling in my head for a while and am just randomly spewing them out.

Just had to look at my calendar and saw I am on week 8. I didn't exactly keep track officially, but going back through the dates and guestimating, I think I have worked out roughly 48 of the past 61 days...

Not bad but I had higher expectations of myself.

In all honesty I had higher expectations of scale results too.

I let travel, holidays, and congestion hold me back from working out. Hitting the gym after missing 3 days is like a mini-restart. Not as bad as the first one, but the excuse voices are definitely stronger the more off-days I take. This morning I laid back in bed after my 5:00 alarm but did eventually make myself get up and go. Now I have guilt voices too saying, "You are going to blog about this, you must get up and do it."

- so a little thank you for reading and keeping me accountable

My workouts currently consist of 65 minutes on the elliptical trainer while reading & listening to Pandora. I know I need to mix it up but right now, I enjoy the mindless routine. I don't have to think about what to do or manage my time to get to a class. This is easy and I had missed reading. This has been a great way to incorporate entertainment and exercise.

I haven't really been watching what I eat in the last 4 weeks. I have good meals and bad. I'd like to think I am consciously trying to make healthier choices but not being a slave to it. In my twenties and thirties, had I eaten like this and worked out this much I would have lost 20 lbs by now. It was so much easier then it amazes me I waited until my metabolism hit a wall before I made this more of a priority in my life.

The scale bounces between 4-7 lbs weight loss in the last 8 weeks. This depresses me a little bit so I have decided to focus on looking ahead. We booked a vacation in late summer so I am setting that as a goal to see some real progress because so far:
  • my clothes pretty much fit the same
  • the scale clearly reflects this
  • I am tired all day from waking up too early
  • I am seeing more stamina during my workouts as I have increased my resistance double to when I started and now 60 minutes is a given where as originally 45 was often a battle. When I started the little incline leaving the gym was a struggle to hobble up but now I walk confidently out each morning back up to my car.

I recently discovered my company has a nutritionist in our health facility so I have scheduled an appointment for Wednesday. I am pretty excited about it and will keep you all posted on how that goes.

I am hoping to keep my consistent workout routine while I shift gears a bit and get my diet going in the right direction. Then I will look to mix up my workouts and dial up the strength training. Might be the right time to book the personal trainer as well.

I am trying to make small changes I can live with and build on this time around. I am a work in progress. No rush, no due date, no final deliverables...

Tuesday, March 21, 2017


As much as I love the extra hour in the fall, I absolutely LOATHE losing the hour in the spring. It has always been annoying but after having kids it just became cruel. This year, I knew it was coming but still forgot to change the clocks ahead so I woke up at 6:30 with a plan to get to the grocery first thing and try to bang out as many chores as possible before Ella woke up. As I got in my car to head home I checked my phone only to realize it was now 9:00 vs 8:00 and those precious 60 minutes had disappeared. I spent the rest of the day working around the house, non-stop and...

I skipped my workout.

By 8:00 pm I was totally pooped and caved.

Monday morning the alarm went off and I could barely move. I SOOOOOO didn't want to get out of bed. That is when the time change really hits. The clock said 4:52 but it felt every bit of 3:52 am. That is a time that should not even exist in the universe.

I laid there for a split minute with my feet on the ground hanging over the side, my back on the bed and then pulled myself up, forcing myself into my workout clothes. Pretty sure a few choice words slipped out because I was definitely thinking them.

Tuesday was a little easier but I was still feeling the Spring Forward hangover and needed the alarm to wake me up.

Wednesday I needed to be in Green Bay by 8:30 which meant I needed to leave my house by 4:45 to get the workout in, shower and make the 50 minute drive up north. I was feeling pretty proud of myself for that one.

Thursday, things were finally starting to feel normal again but I had a tickle in my throat. Then in the afternoon a team building event with wine and painting and it was the first drink I had had in months. Well probably 2 months or a month and a half-ish... It was very needed and a great way to chill with my peers. I miss adult company especially with Pete working later than I stay awake. My diet was not as strict as my workout routine and I over did pretty much everything.

By Friday I could definitely tell I had a cold, I was not really hung over, but tired and I slept in. It was totally needed. Unfortunately it did nothing to help my escalating cold which pretty much kicked my butt over the weekend and I basically parked on my couch. Monday I worked from home hoping to keep the germs to myself and again my gym shoes were lonely.

Today, my meds kicked in and though my cold is probably hiding in my chest or head somewhere it was not in my nose and I could finally breath. I set the alarm and saddle back on the horse. Slow but managed the entire hour.

On the upside from my workout blip, other than Thursday, I was watching what I ate and trying to eat only when hungry. The cold helped minimize that so I actually saw a little gift on the scale. I am about 5 weeks in and 7 pounds down. Normally I would be bummed but I know I earned each of those 7 pounds and I am good with it.

The big hurdle this week will be travel. Kentucky friends, who wants to walk this weekend?

Thursday, March 9, 2017


I participated in my first class at the gym this morning. Each day there is a 6:00 am class of some sort and I have been working my way up to getting there on time to join a class. Technically I could have done one yesterday but I really wanted to finish my book so today was the day.

Today's class was Piyo. Let me start by saying I have heard of it before but never seen it. I assumed it was a spin on Yoga and Pilates but maybe with more constant movement. And I guess I was sort of right, but holy shit, I had no idea what I was in for.

I walked in just a minute after it started and it is a small room. There were maybe 6-ish people across the back row, 2 ladies making up the front row and the instructor. The only open space was front and center right between the two ladies in the front. Yay me! But I still grabbed a mat and jumped in. The only upside to this spot was that a pole was blocking my reflection in the mirrors so at least I didn't have to witness the hot mess that I was.

I started out ok. Kept up through the first routine. Not bad. My heart was racing, my balance not as stable as the others in the class but as a first time no complaints. I needed a drink and to wipe the sweat from my brow and was just thinking "I got this," when the instructor says, "great, we should all be warmed up now so let's get started."

That's when I knew two things:
1. I was in trouble
2. I made the right decision to mix things up and join a class

I hope the folks behind me got a kick out of my performance as much as I did. I tried. I really did but I laughed at myself on several occasions. Seriously my body doesn't move like that and I am pretty sure for a few of the moves it isn't supposed to bend that way.

The instructor was supportive and said on several occasions to make it your own. Curious if she has ever said that before or if it was just for me. My guess is the latter.

In the end, I think I did about 1/2 of what I was supposed to but I made it through the entire hour making it my own 😉.

Tonight I will take something to help with the pain I am certain to feel any time now and need to find a book for the elliptical tomorrow.

I will join again because I want to get better.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017


The locker room was a little crowded after my workout this morning so I had to get ready for work at a different counter. This little room had a bulletin board with several health related sayings so as I dried my hair I spent a few minutes taking them in.

I meant to get my phone and snap a pic, but I forgot, and now, several hours later, I forget most of the ones I thought were relatable. Story of my life...

But there were a few that mentioned how it takes 21 days to make a habit. As I let it soak in I realized I am on DAY 22. I have managed to workout 22 Days in a row (if you count the Friday I skipped the gym to shovel snow from my driveway - which I am). I do believe this is a new lifetime record for me.

I Googled 21 days to form a habit to see if I could find a similar image to the ones on the bulletin board for this post, but instead I found quite a bit of controversy over this claim. I can't say that I am a transformed woman and this is a new normal for me but I WILL savor the achievement. This is sort of like playing ball with a friend and seeing how many hits you can go back and forth without dropping it. I don't want to drop the ball.

I found this image instead and it spoke to me:

I will say that in the 22 days the excuses have become quieter. They are still there but now I wake up before my alarm and I don't let myself think. I jump out of bed, grab my workout clothes and get dressed trying not to pause long enough for an excuse to develop. When they do creep in (and they do) I take a deep breath and force myself to carry on with the plan.

So far I have been really consistent with the elliptical trainer. I started reading The Girl on the Train and it was a great way to lose track of time. An hour flew by. I do find that I go slower when I read than when I am only listening to music as I tend to keep the beat. To compensate I turn up the resistance a few levels when I read so I can go slower but get the same sweat level.

I just finished the book, so now I may need to force myself to take one of the classes offered to mix things up.

The scale continues to be my arch nemesis. I know my body is de-mush-tacising and muscle building blah, blah, blah but I was really hoping for a more solid weight loss in 3 weeks than 4 pounds given that I have plenty to spare.

BUT - this is not a quick fix, I am in it for the long run, and I am not on a timeline!!! I tell myself this every morning when I stare at the scale. Yes- I am still weighing myself daily. I know... Seriously they need to hide it from me.

oooh. I just remembered one:
Even if you only lose 1/2 a pound a week, you will lose 26 pounds by this time next year.

Food - I have done a little searching on Google and Pinterest for plans but I still think I want to see a nutritionist. I want to ask questions about when/what to eat based on my schedule, body type, goals... Ideally I check back in monthly or so to help keep me accountable. I also don't want to feel like I am on a diet. I want to make smaller changes that I can live with but still see progress. I am totally down with being the turtle on this one.

I am seeing some small changes in my eating habits already:
  • When I first started I was starving and I ate and ate. I tried to make healthy choices but still consumed far too many calories, I am sure. I don't know if I was needing to refuel from the newly added exercise or if it was anxiety from struggling to workout. Probably both.
  • Really just in the last few days I have noticed I can go longer before that hunger sets in.
  • I noticed that when I eat dinner, I am more tuned in to the feeling of being full so I stop eating before getting stuffed. 23 Days ago nights were the worst. I would sit on the couch and unwind from work binge watching tv and eating a big dinner. There was some level of comfort in that slightly too full feeling.
  • I still crave sweets everyday but now I can either ignore it or just have a little piece of chocolate or a mint or something and move on. It doesn't control me as it used to.
Bring on Day 23!

Tuesday, February 28, 2017


I am Waaaaaay behind on writing a post. Each day I plan on it, think about it, then I get home from work and can't stand the thought of getting back on my laptop. That, and I am too tired from getting up so early for my morning workout. After I put Ella down, I pack my gym bag, set out my clothes for the next day and then crash.

The Pro's:

  • I am two weeks in to my workouts. Missed one Friday where I swapped the gym for shoveling my driveway so I think I get a 1/2 credit for that day
  • I feel good about myself and proud that I am finally moving again
  • I am not listening to my excuses or letting them stop me
  • I have noticed my heart rate is lower during workouts now than when I first started
The Con's:
  • My body has a death grip on my weight and it is barely budged
  • I am super tired at night
  • I crash before Pete gets home so I only see him on the weekends or a possible lunch date if we can squeeze one in
  • I still force myself to workout. No sign of craving exercise yet
Things I am considering:
  • Getting a personal trainer as I have never done that before and I know I need to do some strength training and mix things up
  • Seeing a nutritionist as I have been focusing on my movement more than my eating. I am making smarter choices but would like a menu plan made just for me
  • Getting a Fitbit. Before I knew my steps were pathetic so I didn't want to see it. Now I'd like to get credit for them but honestly don't feel like spending the money or learning how to use it
This weekend I almost caved. It was Sunday. I got up at 7:00. Pretty much did chores and worked around the house until 2:30-ish. Feelin' pretty good about what I got done but man was I pooped. The gym is closed on Sundays so I could either go for a walk or do a DVD. I thought I would lay down for a bit instead. I'd earned a catnap, then see how I felt later.

I think I closed my eyes for about 20 minutes before Ella found me.

"Mom, can I roller skate outside? Please?"

"Ella, have you looked outside? There is ice and snow on everything. It is winter."

She disappeared for a few minutes then came back, "Nuh uh, there is only snow on the grass. The driveway and sidewalks are clear."

With that I looked at the clock, realized it was about 3:00, in the 30's, and that I had no more excuses. While unfortunately Ella had outgrown her skates, she and Pete went for a bike ride. I went for my Sunday walk.

Monday, February 20, 2017


Day-6Made it to Day 6. Feeling tired and sore but proud I made it THIS far.

When I started to write this post, I thought, "Is it too soon?" But honestly I have been trying to get started with getting started for the last 6 months if not everyday for more than a year. Then if I go further back and count the times I said, "This is it. I am doing this," and still didn't make it to Day 6, well, let's just say it is A ...L...O...T! 

So in the true spirit of taking this one day at a time, I am going to embrace Day 6 because Days 4-5 were really tough.

For example, Day 4:
I get up at 6:00 super pumped and ready to hit the gym first thing. I get dressed, head downstairs to fill my water bottle and think I'll just tidy up the kitchen a bit before I go. 20 minutes later I am in my car and think, "Man, I am tired and would love to go back to bed. Do I really have to go to the gym now? It's Saturday..."

I literally had to force myself to go.

Get to the gym. Get on the elliptical. Feel like I am crawling. I am fighting for each rotation. I know I am going slower than the day before. I keep watching the clock:
  • Should I stop now?
  • Is 20 mins good enough?
  • You did it, 30 mins is fine. It is better than you did last Saturday.
  • It's the weekend. You'll get exercise cleaning the house and stuff.
  • 45 mins is close enough.
  • 50 mins is good. You don't need the cool down. Just go slower now.
Longest hour E...V...E...R

Day 5:
Gym is closed on Sundays so I got up at 8:00-ish. A little stiff and a tad sore. My plan was to make breakfast, clean up the kitchen/family room a bit, maybe start laundry and go for a walk at 11:00. To be clear, this has pretty much been my weekend plan everyday for the past year so the pressure was on to ACTUALLY GO for the walk.
  • 10:35-ish I start sorting laundry
  • 11:20-ish first load is in (clearly I am not walking yet)
  • Since I missed my start time, might as well keep cleaning. I am on a roll.
  • Vacuum house, scrub floors
  • 1:00 and we are all hungry so time to make lunch
  • clean kids' bathroom
  • keep laundry going
  • clear coat the desktop for the study (for my Facebook friends, I decided not to stain it. The gray I tried on a piece of scrap just looked dirty)
Finally at 3:15 I go for my walk. At this point I am tired from cleaning, more sore from the previous days' workouts and just dreading every step. But I did it. I left the house and was hitting the pavement. About 15 mins in I had bad muscle spasms in my left thigh and considered limping or calling Pete to pick me up, but I pushed through them. I mean seriously, I was walking...not sprinting, or even hiking. Just walking. I can do this...

I pretty much thought about how much I wanted the walk to be over the entire time. I managed to go a little over 4 miles and I think it was a little longer than an hour. Weather was perfect, I was outside, fresh air, not too hot or cold, but it was torture.

Day 6:
Alarm went off at 5:30 and I thought it was wrong. It was almost laughing at me. I think I grumbled, "Seriously?" Rolled out of bed to sore feet, stiff legs, back, arms... Managed to get dressed, make a smoothie and get to the gym. I was in total slow motion. I tried the bike because of a blister I got from my walk and thought it would rub less but after 10 minutes and feeling like it was doing nothing I swapped for the elliptical. I had planned to go a bit slower and read but this one was bouncier than the one I normally use so reading would be a challenge. Instead I logged another 25 minutes and called it a day.

I totally realize I have been letting my body mush-tasize (new word) over the last 2 years so it is going to take longer than 6 days to feel normal about moving again, but I would really like a date to look forward to. When will these negative thoughts and self sabotaging voices quiet down?

Makes me wonder if skinny people hear them too or is it just me?

Bring on Day 7!

Friday, February 17, 2017


I came to the realization this morning that our lives are completely ruled by numbers. NUMBERS... Think about it.

Last night I barely slept. I had a hard time falling asleep after finally writing my first blog post in forever and when I finally did, I woke up several times because I was afraid of the battle I would face when my alarm sounded.

1:00 a.m. - is it time? No excuses. Woo, plenty of time to go back to sleep
2:12 a.m. - is it time? I got this.
2:42 a.m. - WHAT time is it? Ok good.
4:10 a.m. - Now? No, hmm do I have to pee?
5:00 a.m. - Yes? No. Well now I have to pee but then I will go back to bed.
5:05 a.m.- What if I finally fall back asleep and am too tired to get up. What if my excuse wins?
5:07 a.m. - Screw it, I am up. Let's just do this...

I successfully beat the first battle of excuses but quickly entered round 2.

I have always been one to weigh myself, pretty much daily (sometimes 2-3 times a day). I thought that was a good thing - like being able to face your number and own it. I always said I didn't let the results effect me.

As I reflect, I can say total B.S. to that. Even though I tried to be the boss, I know on a deeper level those pounds called the shots. If it was lower than I thought it was a perfect excuse to "treat" myself or skip that walk I had planned on. If it was higher than I wanted at first it might be motivating but later in the day I may cure the stress with an extra serving of whatever. It wasn't always obvious, but I had no control.

SO... as Anna so eloquently reminded me yesterday, "The definition of insanity is do the same thing and expecting different results." This time I would not get on the scale everyday. Maybe once a week. Maybe someday I could even step on every other week.

There I was in the bathroom about to put my workout clothes on and I stared down the scale. I have been at this for TWO WHOLE DAYS.
  • Would the scale reward my new focus?
  • Had I finally started moving in the right direction?
  • I know I said I wouldn't
  • I shouldn't
I did.

So I lost my willpower with the scale and took a peak. Ever so slightly trending down but nothing to get excited about. My goal is to go at least 3 more days but ideally a week.

I may have to have someone hide it from me.

As I punched in a bunch of numbers on the elliptical trainer it dawned on me how much my life is surrendered to numbers.

I truly believe we all struggle with some number. It may be weight, financial, time, age, grades, grams, ounces... Pick one.

I always heard words cause the most pain. Maybe. But numbers cause the most stress.

My new goal is to make numbers my Biotch.

And thank you to Gwen for the inspiration for the title of this post. Love rocking out to my favorite pop divas. Makes the workout a little more tolerable.

On to Day 4