The Golden Rule

Heart broken. That is truly the only way I can describe my feelings over the last few weeks, actually months, of my life.  You may recall my earlier posts:

·      Why Are There So Many?

·      I Wear a 7.5

·      Mysterious Ways

And even

·      My Child Would Never

They all relate to an issue we have been dealing with at our children’s elementary school. To make an extremely long story (7 years in the making) short, here are the top lines:

·      In Kindergarten we discovered that Alex has anxiety and struggles  with adjusting to change

·      A few kids in his class began teasing him for crying when he was frustrated back then and have continued their behavior for the last seven years

·      Alex can not focus on school or be himself because he must always have his guard up

·      The teachers have seen it and do their best to handle it when it arises

·      The students have seen it and some have been really amazing in offering Alex support

·      The principal spends far too much time investigating various accusations

·      We have always believed the teachers and principal were handling these situations in a fair manner and left them to do their job as they saw fit

·      The parents of the other children blame Alex for their kids’ poor behaviors.

·      These parents have said that if we had told their children how to behave when Alex was upset, they wouldn’t have been mean to him.

·      Some of these parents told lies about Alex and spread insane accusations

·      Some of these parents made demands on the school and threatened to leave

·      None of the parents of the kids picking on Alex are willing to accept any responsibility for their children’s actions

·      The school needs tuition to run and is bullied into meeting demands they know are wrong

Once again that brings me back to heart broken. Of course I am devastated that my son has been a target for all these years, but I am also saddened that we have no choice but to leave. This is the school I loved as a child. I was proud to a Tomcat. I was married in this church as were my parents, my children were all baptized here as were many of my siblings. I wanted to give my children the same fantastic memories I had at St. Thomas which is why we made the choice that paying tuition was worth the sacrifice.

I believe no one saw this avalanche coming. Certainly we were blindsided. Here is the gist of what has been happening. These kids will do little things, like moan when Alex ends up on their team and groan and scold him when he messes up, they call him a name or two (often quietly so no adults hear) or take his things and hide them when no one is looking, then when Alex stands up for himself and sometimes stoops to their level, calling them a name or bumping into them as they pass or yelling at them to leave him alone, they tell their parents how horrible Alex is and that he didn’t get in trouble for his actions. These parents take their children’s words at face value and make demands and threats on the school that if Alex isn’t punished they will leave.

A few weeks ago, I finally hit my breaking point. Alex was being accused of starting issues every single day. Some of it, I know he didn’t instigate as there were adult witnesses whose stories matched Alex’s version and his actions were his way of self defense. Some I felt he may have done out of frustration and the general pressure of being on defense all the time. He was starting to act out in class as a result and I realized this was a toxic environment. It wasn’t healthy for him or the other children to continue down this path. We pulled Alex from the class and have finished out the last three weeks of school on-line and at home.

Honestly, Alex is relieved not to have to go back and couldn’t be happier. I was worried he would fight me on the school-work, but he has been really eager to do it and I haven’t heard many complaints. Personally, I have cried too many tears over this mess and the three weeks of home schooling have been exhausting for this full-time working mom but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Since Alex is being accused of bullying, I’d like to know how many bullies would come home from school and ask to never have to go back and then be excited to have the opportunity to finish school virtually. He had to give up seeing his friends every day and missed out on what most would consider end of the year fun events. He has been treated so poorly, he didn’t see any of this as missing out and skipping it all was well worth it for three weeks of peace.

Through this we have definitely seen some people’s true colors, the good, the bad and the ugly.

·      I have to say the teachers have been great. I can’t thank them all enough. Almost every one has offered to help Alex on their personal time, even coming to our house or opening the school during evening hours to accommodate our needs. Their support has literally brought tears to my eyes.

·      I believe the principal did the best she could. She was caught in the worst situation a principal can be. It is not surprising she has decided to leave as well as several of the teachers.

·      Several families have been extremely supportive as well and we are blessed to have them in our lives. I have gone to several school events and put on water-proof mascara because I know their kind words will make me well up every time.

·      Some of the children in Alex’s class serve as examples of how to be a friend and live a Christian life through their actions and words and we realize that is not always easy to do at 12 years old.

As for the bad and the ugly, let’s just say – that icky feeling you have, that’s called guilt and you are right, people aren’t looking at you the same.

For us, our ride on the crazy train ends here. We will not be returning in the fall. I do worry for the families remaining.

1.     No one is making these boys accountable for their actions so they will continue their poor behavior. Their parents suffer from a serious case of denial. Not only isn’t anyone helping these parents, the school and parish are enabling them.

2.     These boys will find a new target. It is just a matter of time if it hasn’t happened already.

3.     A school governed by this practice of The Golden Rule is doomed to fail.

Should anyone face something similar, have any questions, need someone to talk to or ask for advice, our door is always open. I hope no one ever has to go through anything like what we have endured but if you do, know you have empathy and support right here. We will do anything we can to help.

Swimmin' With Sharks

Last week we got a call we had been waiting for, for the past 8 years. Yes, that's right. The Stieby's are officially members of the Swim Club. Several people have told us congratulations which I find funny. It is not like we earned it or anything, we just sat patiently waiting for 2,922-ish days for our turn.

I couldn't be more excited. It will be nice to come and go as we please and not have to find a member (my parents or other friends & relatives) to get us in for a daily visit. And I am going to enjoy paying it forward. Anyone wanting to go for an evening dip, give us a call.

It is a fascinating thing, this list. Currently there are some 500 families and at this rate that is about an 8-10 year wait. I can't really put my finger on just what makes this pool so special. For me, there is a family connection and childhood memories. My mom worked there as a teen. She and my dad met there over 44 years ago. If it weren't for the Swim Club, I just might not exist.

I also worked there in high school. I spent long days there in my childhood. Rode my bike and packed my lunch. Got there at 11:00 am and came home just in time for dinner. In addition to wanting to give my kids the same opportunities, its appeal to me is that it is cute, close by, full of friendly people, ample parking and you can usually find a chair. I guess it is worth the 8-10 year wait or at least some 500 other families agree.

This summer Anna is going to try out the Swim Team. I wasn't sure she would be interested but as soon as I told her they have a float in the 4th of July parade, she was sold. Alex is typically my indoor kid but he likes the water too. Ella would become a fish if she could so we will have to take advantage of the swim lessons and I want to give the water aerobics a shot.

I have already been counting down the days until summer break and this just adds one more reason to get excited.

On This Day

I am not exactly sure what I thought being a mother was going to be like. I am the third oldest of six and I felt like a mother to my younger siblings, I babysat for years and I guess I figured it wouldn't be all that different. (insert laughter here).

Then as a new mom, I thought getting them to sleep through the night was going to be my biggest challenge, or maybe ditching the pacifier or potty-training. I wasn't sure I was ever going to make it through those times. As the kids got older and started school, teaching them to read seemed an unachievable task. Get getting them to do homework was torture (for all of us). But none of those things hold a candle to the parenting struggles we have been dealing with lately.

My kids' school (the same school I attended) has a long standing tradition called May Crowning. I assumed it was a Catholic thing that every school did but I'm not sure it is. It is basically a little church service on a school night where the kids dress up, sing sweet music, take flowers to the alter and put a crown of flowers on a statue of Mary.

Even as a child, I have had a love/hate relationship with this event. I didn't love getting dressed up on a school night to go to church. And now as a working mom it is really a challenge to get home between 5:30-6:00, get everyone fed, dressed in church clothes and up to May Crowning by 6:40, not to mention any homework done once we get back.

My favorite part of May Crowning is the music. They still sing the same songs we did when I was young. This year, I did not make Alex go but Anna wanted to so I went up to watch her. I took Ella and got there late so we stood near the back and I held her. I loved watching her be fascinated by the other children and the 2nd graders in their First Communion attire. It really is a beautiful little ceremony.

As the school choir sang, I sang the words to Ella. I couldn't help but get choked up over the words to one of the songs.

"Gentle Mother, peaceful dove, teach us wisdom; teach us love."

As I stood there in church, holding Ella, tears rolling down my cheeks, singing these words, I meant each one. I closed my eyes and hoped she was listening.

Happy Mother's Day to all my readers and the mothers in your lives. It is truly the hardest job on the planet but comes with the best perks in the world. May you have the wisdom and strength to teach your children love, kindness and compassion.

 

What Have I Gotten In To?

I have vivid memories of begging my parents to let me stay up and watch the end of the Miss America Pageant as a kid. Every year I rooted for Miss Kentucky and had dreams of wearing the crown myself one day. I assume most little girls share this fantasy along with one of marrying a prince and living happily ever after. But I never did compete in any beauty pageants and really I have no regrets, especially after watching a few episodes of Toddlers And Tiaras. Having seen a glimpse of that world, it is certainly not one I want any part of, nor do I want my kids exposed to it.

But Anna is a typical girl and the more sparkles something has the better. For years she has asked about being in a pageant and for years I have said no way. But recently she and I had a heart to heart after she was feeling a little down in the dumps. It was the next day that I received a letter from NAM (National America Miss) Pageant. They couldn't have timed their delivery any better. Normally I wouldn't have opened the envelope and it would have been recycled, but this particular day I was curious and read the mail.

I have to admit, they said all the right things. This is a pageant where they focus on building self confidence vs. tearing it down. They want girls to look like girls vs. women so they have a no makeup for girls under 12 policy. There is not a swim suit or talent competition. They focus more on personality, speech and presentation. For whatever reason, it spoke to me and I thought this might be exactly what Anna needs to boost her spirits.

She has been super excited about it all (what little girl wouldn't?). We went to the open call to learn more. I had no idea what to expect or what something like this would cost (I had the impression some people spend a fortune on this stuff, and I can't do that). Anna knew going in that we were just checking it out, and that it may be out of our price range. But I have to hand it to these people, they make it reasonable to enter, they make several other competitions optional for an additional fee and once you buy the dress, interview suite, shoes and other accessories, plus the hotel stay as the state competition is out of town, you are looking at the cost of a small vacation or a year or two of dancing lessons (which she never took so I call us even).

At the call back, she had to dress as if she were going to a job interview (we just pulled something nice out of her closet and I did have to get her some new shoes - she was due anyway). She was asked a few simple questions, we watched a presentation and low and behold, she "was selected" to be a state finalist. Now they said they don't take everyone, but we sort of doubt it. They also say you don't need a coach which I hope is true because we are not investing in one. I am hoping Anna has fun, maybe meets some other girls and learns some skills. That's it. I do not intent for her to make any money or make the national competition, but she will have an experience and can say she was in a pageant once.

Next week she goes to a training session hosted by NAM to learn how to walk, use a microphone, what makes for a good interview question response and how to introduce yourself. I will be going and taking notes so she can work on these skills this summer. I do want her to be prepared so she has confidence on stage but I vow to not be a stage mom. The only thing worse than a soccer mom is a stage mom. (I will not be a stage mom. I will not be a stage mom. I will not be....)

So anyway, we are giving this thing a whirl. I will keep you all posted on how everything goes. After Anna had already fallen head over heals in love with the idea, I googled it and of course found controversy with this particular pageant. It seemed pretty evenly weighted on both sides of the argument so I decided to stay in but I will do my best to give it a fair review and share our experiences so should your daughter beg you, you will have some info to help guide your decision.

Mysterious Ways

I have made it a principle to keep my religious and political beliefs out of this blog but I think I have made it pretty well known that I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. It may take time to see the purpose and it may cause you pain and heartache, but at the end of the day something good will come of it.

The last 6 weeks have been grueling but I have faith that I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. For years Pete and I have looked under every rock and run into several dead ends in trying to help our son with his struggles. With each passing year he does better and better and while we have known he still has some frustrations, he functions at a manageable level and we had hoped his progress would continue as he has come so far already.

I'll be completely honest, we had quit looking under stones as I thought we had turned them all over. These recent developments have sent me back to the hay stack determined to find our needle. Little did I know there are two amazing resources in my life already. They haven't been there this entire time, but they are here now which is all that matters. I am elated that we have hope again. Finally, not to have to rely on time but a chance to have actual tools, it is more than I could have dreamed of.

I feel bad that we had settled for less than he deserved. Never again. While I am not happy with the events that have led to this, I don't think we would be at this point today if things hadn't unfolded the way they did. Just another example of God working his mysterious ways. 

Guilty Pleasure

I admit, I am a total sucker for reality TV. Survivor had me from the opening song. I prefer ones with some form of competition but I'll watch almost anything once. There is one show I was addicted to when I was pregnant with Ella. Believe it or not, I couldn't get enough of

Sixteen and Pregnant

Something about watching these young girls go through pregnancy and becoming mothers for the first time helped me through my third pregnancy. Even though I'd been there twice already I was rather nervous about what hitting the reset button was going to be like. Watching the show helped calm me and I knew if they could do it, I was going to rock it.

After Ella's arrival, my cravings for the show died and I had barely seen more than a minute or two of it since. Well, until tonight. I caught an episode and a half (until Pete had finally had enough and confiscated the remote).

It is funny, over two years later and these girls are the same: so optimistic their boyfriends will instantly become men, provide for them and they will be one big happy family finishing school together and living off a part-time, minimum wage job or two while playing dress up with their new baby. Of course while pregnant they can barely stay together, fight over money and responsibility, still think their parents know nothing, only to finally give birth and realize it is way harder than they ever dreamed possible.

And over two years later, I still get a little (well probably more than I should) satisfaction watching. I know that no matter what decisions I make or what life throws at me, if these 16 year old kids can make their situations work, I am going to be just fine.

Happy Easter & New Ticket Winner

Unfortunately for Queen of the Universe, I never heard back from her, and her time to claim the Family 4-Pack of tickets to see Sesame Street Live has expired.

Lucky for you all, I got to pick a new winner!

Drum roll please..............

Congratulations to Tara Henry! 

Hope you and your family enjoy the show.

Please email me the address you would like the tickets mailed to.

Happy Easter to everyone. It couldn't be a more perfect day to celebrate goodness, kindness and compassion for one another.