Why

There is no answer good enough for this simple question.

I sit here tonight watching the Date Line special on 911. My heart races, I'm short of breath and tears well up in my eyes just like it the morning I watched it all unfold with the rest of America.

So many questions.

Tonight I watch, hoping and praying for a different ending. Maybe we will discover some truth or nugget of information and more people will escape this time. Of course I know better, but I can't help but wish.

10 years ago I felt sorry for those who lost friends and family but I had never experienced this sort of loss myself. I couldn't possibly understand what they were going through. Since then, I learned what it feels like to have a loved one taken too soon. As I watch, I feel the pain in my chest, it hurts to breath so much so that you try not to do it too often. Silent tears roll down your face without even a sniffle so you don't draw attention to your anguish.

I have to wonder why I am watching this, but I can't bring myself to turn it off. This isn't a movie; it is real. Real people, real lives, heroic amazing stories no author could create.

Earlier this week I caught a little of the Children of 911 broadcast. I found out I was pregnant with Anna on September 14, 2001 so I have always felt a connection to those mothers and children. It was really interesting to listen to some of their stories. Many of them look forward to the anniversary passing them by and I think I understand why.

Each and every one of my loved ones were spared that day. Not even a friend of a friend was lost, yet I sit on my couch ten years later sobbing as if it is happening now. I certainly wouldn't want to relive the torture of losing my parent, husband, sibling, friend, co-worker...watching it unfold on tv.

My own children are learning about this day in school and are filled with questions. I try to explain what we felt and the confusion and emotions of that day. It truly was historic and changed America forever. I want them to understand and respect not only what happened, but how we have evolved since.

I wish you all a safe weekend. I hope however you choose to reflect on this anniversary it brings you peace. I have learned time doesn't heal all wounds. Grief is like the tide. Some waves lightly brush against your toes, some soak your capris and every once in a while one comes out of no where and knocks you off your feet. I imagine this Sunday will be that wave for many of us.