Thursday, February 16, 2017

RESET BUTTON

When I first started my blog I was in desperate need of a creative outlet, a confidence booster, a way to prove to myself that I hadn't completely lost my mind. In all honesty I day-dreamed of being able to quit a job I was suffocating in and strike gold as a mommy blogger.


While the only gold I discovered was luster dust, I did love writing and connecting with people. Unfortunately a job change left less and less time for hobbies. My blog became a distant memory. Over the last few years I have missed blogging. I have thought of several things to write about. I would even start to plan them in my head yet they never actually got done. I struggled with making sure whatever I wrote about was good enough. It had been so long that I wanted to restart with a bang. I think I was too worried with what people would think.


Recently I have been doing a little soul searching. I am going to blame it on my age. I realized I have been trying to prove things my entire life. Maybe it is middle child syndrome, maybe it is a competitive obsession, maybe I am just nuts. I needed validation that I was smart enough, funny enough, creative enough, hardworking, a great mom, an over-achiever...Pretty sure my struggle with my weight is likely tied up in this in some way. I tried several times to control my weight but it has always been the thing that I couldn't conquer. It was easier to plan an event, bake something or grow an account. Of course those things bring additional stress and food has been my way to relieve it.


A vicious cycle.


I think it is true that women in their 40's are more chill and confident. I believe I am, almost too much actually. In the last few years I have finally become comfortable with my weight. While I still don't like pictures of myself, I can look in the mirror and admire the person I see. With the move, the work on the house, any other number of excuses I have spent almost no time (literally N...O... time) exercising. And luckily for the past few years my weight has hovered in the same place.


Until recently. I think my metabolism took a dive or my stillness caught up to me.


I have been telling myself for months that I would go to the gym, the Y, do some Jillian in my basement before work, even bust out the Just Dance wii thingie with Ella... I have had the best intentions.


But.... tomorrow I will do it.


I can't explain it. There was some mental block, a wall. Fear? I have no idea. But I just couldn't do it. Any excuse was so much easier.


I recently heard that sitting is the new smoking. Rumor has it sitting is just as bad as smoking and I sit ALL DAY. That scared me. That and noticing I was getting winded when I shouldn't.


About 2 weeks ago, I raised my desk so that I stand. I figured that wasn't going to do much so during conference calls where I am mostly listening, I started doing small squats, lunges, leg lifts, marching in place, whatever. I had hoped that would level back out the scale.


Nope.


It is time to quit hoping for change and actually do something about it. This week I started the New Year's Resolution I should have started decades ago:
  • I got up and went to the gym in the morning before work
  • I made a smoothie for breakfast
  • packed my lunch
  • drank water all day
  • cooked dinner
I wish I was confident enough to say this is it. I am owning this and taking control for good. But right now I am taking it one day at a time. So far I am two in.


Tomorrow is #3.




I have decided to fall back in love with my blog and let it help me. This is my outlet. I am sure I will post about my struggles as well as my successes and hopefully more on my journey. Since this time around it is more for me, after this one I won't be sharing my posts on Facebook but please feel free to share with others who can relate.


See you tomorrow,

No comments: