MONSTER IN THE CLOSET

For this first Throwback Thursday post, I thought I would go deep. I apologize in advance if it makes anyone uncomfortable but I promised myself I would be raw and not shy away from tough topics.

I firmly believe we all have our demons. We live in a time where anxiety and stress are on the rise and while technology is an amazing thing it adds pressures unknown by earlier generations. Work is required faster, better and constantly pushing for innovation. Careers are uncertain with people often on the move. Our social lives are shared with everyone and people feel more judged than ever while teen/young adult suicide is at an all time high.

We all deal with these pressures, stress and anxiety differently and vices come in many forms. Watch the news and you will see evidence of the drug epidemic. There is smoking, vaping, drinking, being a workaholic, over-exercising (I swear I heard this is a thing), self-harm and of course eating disorders to name a few.

Obviously given that I was 245 lbs my vice of choice was food. While I don't want to diminish the triumphs of those who have managed to conquer their battle with other substances, I can't help but compare them. Certainly drug and alcohol abuse can wreck families and be a devastating mess and I would imagine temptations are a bitch. But those are things you can cut out of your life and never have to consume again. With a food addiction, the general life impact may not be as disruptive, I mean unless you are morbidly obese you can likely still function compared to some drug addicts and alcoholics. But you can't cut food out of your life. You need to face it several times a day and manage to eat the right things in the right quantities and not overdo it. It isn't like an alcoholic has to drink a beer or two, 3 times a day to survive. Maybe that is what drives the dieting yo-yo effect?

I can remember sneaking food at a very young age. I don't remember feeling stress so maybe it began with just sneaking treats and goodies from the freezer because they tasted good. But in my high school years I definitely remember times when I binged. I don't know that I would define myself as having anxiety but I definitely felt better to be full. I knew I wasn't hungry but I wanted to eat and eat and would keep on eating until I couldn't.

This wasn't a daily occurrence but possibly weekly or once every two weeks or so. I do remember my freshman year of college being particularly stressful. I would go to a drive through and intentionally order a lot of food, like 2 value meals because I knew I wanted more than one but didn't want to be judged so if I ordered 2 or 3 it would look like it was for more people than just myself. Then I would go back to my apartment and eat most of it. 

Sometimes I wanted to puke. A few times I even tried to make myself but my body has always hated to throw up so I was unable to and I was jealous of bulimics. They could binge and get away with it. I wished I could be a bulimic and yet I knew how completely absurd that thought was. Instead I went to the gym and spent hours on the elliptical trainer trying to minimize my weight gain. Looking back, I must have had a high metabolism because I really abused my body and should have been larger than I was.

As I sit here now, I can't remember the last time I binged. I think it has been many years but I can't swear to it. Maybe I just transitioned to general over-eating vs binging. Oh, actually, the cake in the airport last February may have counted as a binge. I certainly ate every bite of that piece that could have been 3 servings and felt sick after so, yeah, I think that was it.

Obviously there are healthy ways to manage stress, exercise being a great one. I wish I liked it as much as I like to eat. But there are others like: reading, cleaning, organizing, a hot shower or bath, any pampering, a massage, mani/pedi, laughing, time with friends, essential oils, painting/drawing/coloring, hobbies in general... Honestly there are countless ways to help decompress without feeding your vices.

Sorry, I feel like I am rambling a bit with this one but I guess my points are that we are human and deal with our issues in our own way. Compassion is important but so is having those really hard conversations and encouraging people to get the help they need when they are struggling.

Most importantly, never give up. I can't imagine what my number would be if I never tried to fight my weight gains. You have to find what works for you and your life. And if you slip up, don't jump ship. We eat several times a day so just pick up for the next meal. The longer you wait, the harder the reset button. There are so many resources available for any vice, please reach out and grab one. I have found talking about it to be the best therapy.

Thanks for bearing with me on this one,