INDEPENDENCE DAY

This weekend we enjoyed a lovely trip home for the holiday. Celebrating the 4th of July in our home town always reminds me of a Lifetime movie. It is a picturesque small town with a parade, cookout with family and friends, lazy day in the pool, festival at the park, all capped off with fireworks. And it has been this way since I can remember. I was so happy to experience it all again this year after all the 2020 cancelations.

It felt more special to me this trip and I think beyond missing it last year, it is the first time in forever that I looked forward, REALLY 100% forward to seeing people I haven't in a long time. In the past I would have dreaded or skipped the festival at the park:

1. It is usually hot, humid and I would feel gross and sweaty the instant I stepped outside
2. Mosquitos
3. Whatever I wore would be uncomfortable and not hide my excess weight
4. I was embarrassed by the excess weight

This year the weather was the best it has ever been. I think the high's were mid-70's, no humidity and I wore pants and a sweatshirt at night! The long sleeves helped fend off the mosquitos. I still have excess weight but am really proud of the work so far and was not embarrassed to see old friends and was a little disappointed I didn't see more people I knew.

Over the weekend I started to think about Independence Day and Freedom and I realized this year in addition to celebrating our country, I was celebrating a personal freedom. For so many years I have felt trapped and restricted in my own body. Not only didn't I feel like I could wear what I wanted, I was shackled with shame and physically limited in doing the things I wanted to do. Here is a perfect example:

In 2016, Pete and I were invited to a dear friend's wedding in Portland. We were so excited. In our 18 years of marriage at that time, we had only been on 1 other trip without the kids and this time we were going with a group of friends. It was going to be a blast.

And it was great for the most part. Of course, being over-weight has never left my mind so trying to find the right outfit and packing was always dreaded. In fact, I bought this dress, even took it, but the day of, I didn't have the confidence to wear it as it hugged rolls I intended to hide. Instead, I defaulted to my looser, backup dress. But that is just a side note...

The day of the wedding our group decided to drive up to Multnomah Falls. The night before I had enjoyed the festivities and was not feeling my best but on a hangover scale of 0 to 10 (10 being can't get out of bed) I was probably a 5 or 6. But what happened really can't be blamed on a hangover.

I don't know what I was thinking. Actually, I do. I was thinking we were going on a nice stroll through some woods to see a waterfall. Cool. I LOVE waterfalls. What a great way to spend some time. We get there and it is a short few minute walk up to the observation deck at the base.

We posed for this shot.

Then some of us decided to continue up to the top, myself included. 

I was SOOOOOO not prepared. It didn't actually occur to me that this was a climb, not a stroll. To get to the top means going up and up and up. Being 80-100 pounds over-weight and not having worked out much, this 2.4 mile hike was going to be a struggle and I didn't see it coming.

We started up. It didn't take long before I was lagging behind. There were spots where you could rest or look at a view and they would get there first and wait for me. By the second one of these, I was totally winded. They had waited a bit so they were ready to go. I told them to go on without me and I would meet up with them later.

I caught my breath and continued the climb. It was brutal. I was so mad at myself. I was embarrassed that I couldn't keep up. I felt stupid that I didn't think about this in advance and maybe back out with the others after the photo. I continued to drag my body up the hill. People were passing me as my heart was beating louder than my footsteps. I had no idea how long the hike was or if I was even close to the top. Eventually I quit. I turned around and walked back to the car. I was so defeated. All I wanted was to walk up a trail with my friends to the top of a waterfall but I couldn't do it.

I got to the bottom, found a bench and cried, though even that I had to restrict because I didn't want to draw attention to myself or leave evidence of my internal struggle. I had a wedding that night after all. I played it off like it was the hangover though I am sure no one else gave it much thought.

I had to put on my backup dress and pretend nothing ever happened.

It has taken me a long time to get to where I am today. I follow an influencer on Instagram who often says, "What would happen this time if you didn't quit." I think about that all the time. This time I am not going back down the path. Would I have eventually made it to the top of that waterfall? One of these days I am going to have to go back and do it.

I share this story because I believe there is a "waterfall" moment for many of us. Being obese sucks. I've been there. Hell, I am still there. But I am also proof that if you want to change, you can do the work and move towards your goals.

My next milestone is 175 pounds. I believe this was my wedding weight (or close enough). I want to get there by the end of the year though our anniversary is the end of November so that would make a nice stretch goal.

If you are thinking of taking that first step, I really encourage you to think about your Why's. Why do you want to lose weight or make changes. How will you feel and what will be different when you get to your goals. Write these down. I believe it has made the difference for me this time vs. the countless other times I quit.

XOXO,